Sometimes, finding an old journal is like finding rare, hidden, valuable treasure. The contents of this one, from August 20, 2009, had the accuracy of true North, pointing out the pilgrimage I’d been on for a long, long time. I see it now as “the search for lost innocence”.
Reading through this passage , what emerged before me, clear as day was: the true me, the pure, powerful being of light, the “being”- beautiful in silence and comfortable with truth.
This is the ‘me’ that had been so covered by the dust of this corporeal world, that I had become unrecognizable, even to my Self. No wonder, for many drought-stricken years, my journals poignantly reflected the theme of ‘The Self longing for the Self’… the True Self, the true being that is completely full, lacking nothing. My quest was for the unlimited vessel of peace, love, wisdom, and bliss.
I now have words for all of it…markers on the journey to use as signposts for others. What I’ve learned is that as, souls, we are from another world, a world “beyond sound” described by the Hindi word~ Nirvana which translates to ‘the place without sound’.
We, souls, are so tiny in form that we are incognito to the physical eye. This is why for sooo long, the soul that we each are has been mostly unknown and unrecognized while the bodies and emotions which we inhabit have been running the show. I, the soul, and perhaps you as well have been waiting patiently, quietly, very quietly, in the wings for my time to emerge upon the stage of life.
My emergence began while writing in this journal, a mirror of my heart, late into a summer’s evening. Earlier that evening, self-awareness had begun to stir- catalyzed by a rich discussion at a weekly gathering called “Council” which I’d been attending over the eight years I lived on a moist, fertile mountain called ‘the Sleeping Giant’.
It was on this night that I felt the delightful glimmerings of true identity. It happened like this:
So much more is coming through that wishes to be said; an opening made by what was spoken tonight at Council allows a raw, pure innocence to come to the surface, breaking through the barriers of ego and personality, emerging, to be heard and healed. Out of the depth of the dark well of incubation in the bubbling, inner cauldron, arises the pure liquid light of recognition and insight to my own being. It has come suddenly, yet emerges cautiously, one precious moment at a time.
Recognition of Self had emerged on that evening under the shelter of the stars. What I heard speaking, was the heart, the true conscience of the soul, the mirror reflecting once again all the beauty and goodness that lay dormant within. In the midst of these feelings and these reflections lay a great safety and a great honesty.
Immediately, I, the heart of the soul, pondered: how long would the enimty with ‘x’ hold out and take its toll? Understanding in an instant the karmic bondage I had created, I found the love and the courage to invite this soul into connection, once again.
More honest questions came to the surface: How can I resonate authentically with other powerful women of voice, as well as with this authentic voice within?
“Go deeper” said the wind, rustling through the night. My inner sense of hearing opened deeply, as I, the soul, eagerly awaited the wind’s full message.
Give some time to your Self, every day. Speak through silence to all those who cannot be reached by words. Share energy and resonance with those who long to be filled. Listen to the voices that ring out their song, knowing to be heard is their birthright. Allow sleep to repair the fabric of your heart and clean away the rusted fragments left by inner turmoil! (This was written in the days before I learned to meditate!)
Before Council, I felt stale, bored, as if I had been living out a cookie cutter existence, feeling controlled by the limitations of a fine toothed comb. More than just a change of perspective, I the Soul recognized the need for Total Awareness and Total Attention in order to let go of the uneasy tension that had been taking its toll for too long. For time is precious and must not slip away in such a hypnotic, controlled state of being.
Ahhh-at last, my true voice was coming through:
Come into a total coherence of love…discount no one…not another, nor yourself. Let visions and dreams come out into the light of day. Open a portal to tomorrow, from here to eternity is a total guarantee. Spin the cycle, knowing the essence of tomorrow’s sunrise today!
Yes, the cycle of self-realization was emerging.
Make it happen through the transparency of the Self’s own wishes, your aim and objective, crafting your today, here and now, to insure your tomorrow.
The ‘council’ of souls up in Kapahi, still nourishes each other, til today, with their powerful ponderings on what it means to be alive. As for me, I had moved north and council for me has taken another form. Council is an inner journey, with my Constant Friend and Divine Companion, with my journals, and even with this keyboard which offers such intimacy with its black and white keys, allowing me to write swiftly as the wind carries the words of the soul’s wise intellect to the surface of consciousness.
Now I, the living soul, despite obstacles imposed by the illusions called Maya and her subtle, and not so subtle distractions, despite the storms of delusion, despite the chaos and nonsense of what much of the 3-D world has to offer, I, the Soul recognize and have respect for the Self.
Fast forwarding to RIGHT NOW~ I recognize the sweetest of concerns is to know my true self and fulfill the aim and objective of emerging my original, unlimited, pristine self. Who am I, who was I before I became so conditioned and contaminated from living in a limited reality? Who am I now that I recognize my self and the One who is guiding me and teaching me at this most precious of times, in this most precious of lives? Asking the self – what does “full effort” look like, feel like, right now?
What actions and thoughts will allow for the fullest expression of Love, Peace, Joy, and Truth to come about in a constant way? This form of checking and changing of the self is a daily guide which keeps my ultimate destination in sight.
But back to the piece of writing, written in that journal, that emerged on that splendid , summer’s evening, so long ago in late August, 2009:
Hearing the call of the voice of the heart, making its music through the stars, a precious memory of my own magical, magnificence previously merged by the passage of time is now energized! What a wonder! What a blessing!
Almost sleeping now, this is the stuff of wakeful dreaming, watching my own transparency, touched by a jewel drop of color upon my brow, I am glistening in the rain (of knowledge) of yesterday, today, and tomorrow…the beginning, the middle, and the end…
Playing between time, in that place in the heart which knows all parts of it’s Self…aware of the journey of rising and falling. Aware of its own fragrance, the fragrance of rose petals of the ever blooming rose that I am. I am the one who knows the fragrance and the thorns.
Silent is this knowing. Emerging is the joy that lies in the center of this forehead, behind these eyes…what a wonder to know the Self – unlimited, eternal, and so close to the One.